Six years ago, I walked into Sofreh, a Persian restaurant in Prospect Heights, Brooklyn, and felt something I couldn’t quite name. The vibe was cool and warm. The food was flavorful and precise. I felt both welcomed and lucky to be there. They had a clear point of view and were thrilled you had arrived.
I’ve been watching Nasim Alikhani and her brother, Amir Alikhani, build their restaurant, Sofreh, and, more recently, at Sofreh Cafe with admiration and curiosity. Alikhani was born in Isfahan, Iran. She came to New York after the 1979 revolution. She raised twins, cooked for decades in her home, and opened Sofreh at 59. She’s been nominated for multiple James Beard Awards, guest-cheffed at the White House, and has built a restaurant that is both opinionated and inviting.
So I was thrilled to have Alikhani join me for a live BREAKDOWN on GROUP LIFE to talk about how she thinks about what she’s building and what the rest of us might learn from her journey. (Group Lifers can watch the full replay by clicking on the play button on the video above. And if you’re curious, we’ve kept the first bit open to all.)
Here are 10 things staying with me from our conversation:
1. Ask yourself: What is my role? Before opening Sofreh, Alikhani, knowing her twins would eventually leave for college, had been asking herself a question for years: What is my role now? That question led her to open the restaurant – her first! – at the age of 59. As we’ve seen with so many of our BREAKDOWN interviews, whether it’s how Saheem Ali builds a cast or Emma Straub names a bookstore, these gathering places are extensions of the host and their interests and desires and sense of what’s needed now. They ask, with seriousness and honesty, what they are for.
2. Feed your people first. At Sofreh, the staff meal is not an afterthought; it’s a ritual. It’s a meal Alikhani often cooks herself with protein, starch, and vegetables. Sometimes, it’s something they don’t even serve in the restaurant. And sometimes it’s a meal made specially for the team. As Alikhani put it, it sends a simple but powerful message: your well-being matters. Before we ask people to host, serve, hold, or welcome others, we have to care for the people inside the circle first. This also rhymes with the advice in Danny Meyer’s classic that I love, Setting the Table. Also, should you feel inspired, Alikhani’s gorgeous cookbook is here.
3. A clear point of view is not the opposite of hospitality. At Sofreh, there is no salt on the table. Alikhani believes the food is seasoned exactly as it should be, and she wants you to taste it first. “The reason something can work,” she told us, “is you deepen your heart and your gut. Believe what you do.” A clear point of view is not the opposite of hospitality. It is one of its forms. One of my favorite parts of this conversation was when we got into how she handles guests who are not up for “getting” her vision, and how she’s changed her approach over time.
4. Have conviction and curiosity. Alikhani has a clear and strong vision for her restaurant, and she is also genuinely curious about what works and what doesn’t, and why. She gave us an example of a choice she had to make about pastry sizes when she first opened Sofreh Cafe. Her pastries were sophisticated, rich, and small. Then she watched how people reacted. Customers were surprised by how small the pastries were, given the price. “Americans think big equals good,” she told me. Though she doesn’t agree with that, she made some of them bigger. “It’s a dialogue,” she said. “And I’m really willing to participate.” So many of us oscillate between all conviction (and rigidity) or curiosity (and have no center). Alikhani has her own taste and responds to what’s actually happening in front of her.
5. Be altered by your team. Her cooking has been shaped by the Mexican cooks on her team, by the Bangladeshi and Nepalese neighbors of Jackson Heights, and by 40 years of living in New York. “How could I not build that into the structure I’ve created?” she said. A gathering that doesn’t change you isn’t really a gathering. The best spaces are porous. And Alikhani tells us she has some of the best macha salsas at family meals.
6. Create connection across difference — one meal at a time. Sofreh is a translation project. Alikhani isn’t explaining Iran to New Yorkers; she’s letting them taste it, negotiate it, even argue with it a little. Alikhani doesn’t paper over unfamiliarity; she leans into it and trains her staff to walk guests toward new flavors (or rice! Or bread!) rather than retreating to what’s safe. (And if you want to dive deeper into how to create connection across cultural difference, you can watch our recent GROUP HELP Lab here.)
7. People may forget what they ate. They don’t forget how they felt in your restaurant. Alikhani told a story about watching her mother host in Iran: high heels kicked off, onions frying, twenty people coming over, everyone in the family helping, everyone effectively a server. And then, after the guests left, the family would sit down together and eat. What she remembers most is not the exact menu. It’s the feeling. “I could feel that people’s energy makes your house so much bigger,” she said. “And make your heart bigger.” She spoke about customers at her own restaurant: “Within a week, they cannot remember what they had,” she said. “But they remember how they felt. If they were cared for. If they were treated well.”
8. Pay close attention to how people engage with your offering. She is still figuring out the café. And that she realized a cafe is a different business from a restaurant. She’s still adjusting prices, testing sizes, and watching how people move through the space. “I have a long way to go,” she said, matter-of-factly, seven years in. She remains a student of her own creations.
9. 59 (or any age!) is a great time to go for it. Alikhani was a home-trained chef and was 59 years old when she opened Sofreh. She had been cooking for decades in her home, for her family, for friends, for charity events. All of that was preparation she couldn’t have named. “I always was fascinated,” she said. “I always loved food — to eat, to make, to be part of it.” So she began.
10. A gathering is a temporary world. At Sofreh, you will not find salt on the table. The staff guides you toward unfamiliar dishes. They might insist that you break your low-carb diet just to try the fenugreek rice! The dish doesn’t make sense without it! The menu reflects both tradition and the life Alikhani has built in New York. Each choice reinforces the same idea: this is a place where you trust the host, try something new, and perhaps, for one night, experience a different way of being together.
I’m curious, has there been a restaurant or a shop that has pushed you beyond what you knew with warmth and care and opinions, and you are the better for it?
As always,
Priya
P.S. Join us for our next GROUP HELP Lab: Pricing: How to think about money and gatherings happening Wednesday, April 29, at 12 pm ET on Zoom. We’ll look at how to align pricing with your purpose, communicate it clearly, and navigate tensions around access, sustainability, and perceived value. If you’ve ever felt unsure how to price your work in a way that feels both principled and practical, this session is for you. Thank you to Group Lifer Tara R for inspiring it. This one’s for Group Lifers. If you’re not a Group Lifer, you can sign up here.
P.S. If you’re thinking about how to build groups that don’t just connect, but can hold healthy heat, my next book, The Art of Fighting, is a guide to connection when things get hard. You can pre-order it here.
