This past week, we chose the topic of our third GROUP HELP Session based on a question one of you asked a few weeks before: How do you get people not to flake when everyone’s so busy? It was the most upvoted question on the Zoom. So we took it on.
The normalization of cancelling at the last minute doesn’t just feel crappy, it’s an impediment to a vibrant group life.
My stepmother likes to remind me that “back in the day,” if you were going to cancel dinner, you had to call the host. You could hear the disappointment in their voice. The person cancelling bore some of the social cost in cancelling and you wouldn’t do it lightly. Now, all it takes is a quick text and an emoji.
When flaking is rampant, is it “self-care” or just good old bad form?
Here are five ways to increase the likelihood your guests won’t flake*:
1. Gather around a shared, relevant need
The first way to increase attendance at your gathering is to gather around an actual, relevant, shared need. You don’t get people to come to something by tricking them, or guilting them. People show up to a gathering when it’s potent. I once worked with a school that wanted to build more community amongst the parents. They had hosted an annual ice-cream social and more than half of the parents who RSVPd didn’t show up. The intention were lovely, but the attendance was dismal. Yeah, community is nice, but folks have a lot going on. So, the school tried a different approach for the next gathering. They hosted an event called: Screen Time, Social Media and Cell Phones: A Primer for the Intentional Parent. The room was packed. They had hit on a real, juicy, shared, relevant need (and built a vibrant, relevant community while doing so).
2. Invite with a capital “I”
A few years ago, I spoke at the Madison Chamber of Commerce’s 70th-anniversary dinner. There were 1,250 people in the ballroom, and yet somehow, it felt intimate. Afterward, I asked the organizer how she’d created that feeling in the room. She said, “I invite with a capital I.” I asked her what that meant. She explained: They send a printed invitation to each guest as a formality. But months before the event, she personally calls every single potential guest by phone to invite them to the dinner. When I remarked that that was a lot of work, she smiled and said, “My entire job is to build community. The one-on-one time I get on that phone call is as important than the event itself.” Inviting with a capital “I,” means letting people, in whatever way appropriate to you and your context, know that you actually want them there.