I went live this morning with my friend, the author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, to welcome her to Substack and to talk about belonging and freedom, about the epidemic of canceling plans, the culture of prioritizing self-care, and how to build a village in modern life.
It’s a beautiful conversation and you can now watch it live (above). And, here are six takeaways from our conversation — small ways to stretch back toward one another.
1. Invite a friend over for a beer and an olive. One of the most important things Esther asks her patients is, “When’s the last time someone came into your home?” Because, she said, so many haven’t — ever. She tells them, “Invite someone. Just put out a few olives. Have a beer.” It’s not about entertaining — it’s about crossing the threshold. Hosting doesn’t require linen napkins. Let’s lower the bar and not think of it as such a “formal” thing. I told her what I tell people when they move to a new city: invite someone over before you think you’re ready to.
2. If you say you’re going to show up — show up. We discussed an episode of her podcast, Where Shall We Begin?, where Esther spoke to a woman who hosted a brunch for six people — and every single person but one canceled at the last minute. “That,” she told me, “is not just bad manners. It’s a crisis of meaning.” When we cancel casually, we tell ourselves it’s self-care. But it’s also a loss of accountability.
3. Practice “muscular guesting.” Being a guest isn’t passive, it’s participatory. Bring something. Notice something. Offer something.
4. Make hosting a practice, not a personality. We know that group life is about reciprocity, and if you are a perpetual guest, try your hand at hosting something. Anything. During the live, I said, “It’s like Spanish: hosting shouldn’t be a ser, it should be an estar — an activity, not a fixed state.” When everyone hosts sometimes and guests sometimes, community becomes shared work.
5. Ask a Magical Question. Esther hosted a dinner party recently where one of her guests asked the table a question: “How do your ancestors manifest in your life?” It broke the night open. He found his way to what I call a Magical Question: one that everyone would be interested in answering, and everyone is interested in hearing each other’s answers. Get good at asking Magical Questions.
6. Make meaning together. Esther recently picked up Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning and shared his insight: “You won’t fight for your life if you don’t have a reason to get up.” So much of relational life, she reminded us, comes back to that search — we’re not just looking for comfort, we’re looking for purpose, for something worth getting up for together.
We’re so afraid of offending one another or “doing it wrong,” that we end up doing nothing at all. And we’re all the worse for it. We hold back the invitation. We skip the dinner. We stay quiet instead of reaching out. But connection doesn’t come from getting it right, it comes from trying and showing up, even when it’s awkward.
You can watch our full conversation above.
So this week, I invite you to stretch yourself in a tiny way. Invite someone over. It can be for an olive and a beer.
As always,
Priya
P.S. I’m hosting my fifth GROUP HELP Session tomorrow, Wednesday, November 5, at 12pm ET on Zoom. We’ll explore why some gatherings move us while others just fall flat. I’ll share practical, learnable tools to help you turn any gathering from “fun” to meaningful, increase its emotional resonance, and create moments people actually remember. These sessions are for paid subscribers, so make sure you’re signed up below. RSVP here and I’ll send the Zoom link to all Group Lifers tomorrow morning.
