WATCH: The transformative power of low-stakes hot takes
Three lessons on how to disagree well (and why it matters)
Last year, we decided to try something different at our team holiday dinner. Inspired by Melissa, a woman I wrote about in the newsletter, I told my team to come with one hot take they were ready and willing to share with the group and defend to the death.
When we got to dinner, we didn’t jump right in. We ordered food, caught up, and settled into the evening. Then I told everyone why we were doing it. “We’ve been wanting to do this since we learned about Melissa’s Hot Takes Party, and I’m so excited to finally do it tonight,” I said. “As I’ve been writing this new book about conflict, one of the best ways to help a group get more comfortable disagreeing is to start with something that doesn’t really matter.”
Then we went around the table, one person at a time, and everyone shared their hot take.
The first person declared that winter is the best season. Immediately, someone else jumped in. “Absolutely not. Fall is the best season. Have you ever even been to New York in October?” Which made the whole thing even funnier, because the person defending winter was the only born-and-raised New Yorker at the table.
The thing I love about Hot Takes Parties is that they aren’t really about hot takes. They’re about helping a group practice disagreement together.
As I write in the forthcoming The Art of Fighting, “Low-stakes arguing is good practice for high-stakes arguing.” If you want a group to get better at handling high-stakes conflict, don’t start with the high-stakes conflict. Start with something wonderfully inconsequential. The healthiest groups aren’t the ones that never disagree. They’re the ones who have built enough trust and enough practice that disagreement doesn’t threaten the relationship.
This past Wednesday, we got into three lessons that have changed how I think about helping groups get there. Group Lifers can watch the full replay below. (And if you’re not yet a Group Lifer, you can join us here for the cost of a sandwich a month. 😉)